I played it in my mind
a thousand times before.
But what actually happened
was not even remotely close.
I sat there quietly
but I was not in my body.
I don’t know if it was really me
or someone behind the first person
like in a movie.
Because if it had really been me
I would’ve said something back,
shouted,
or at least cried out loud.
But the emptiness is all I felt.
Something broke in me
without making a sound.
The silence reeked of death.
I didn’t realize what died
until the numbness wore off.
Then came the wave of everything
unfelt, unseen, denied—
and it went over me.
The panic I felt
in my shaking hands and dry mouth
drowned under the water.
I fought… I fought hard….
until I didn’t anymore.
